Christine keeps asking me if it's always this hard. I thought the answer was "when you finally make it to the big time, it gets easier because you have more people, more money."

Apparantly I'm wrong. Look at what's going on with the writer's strike. I asked a friend of mine who worked for years as a writer, dedicated every waking minute of his life to his craft, who now is finally in the studio system playing with the big dogs if it gets easier. His answer? Nope. Bigger money, bigger scope, just as difficult. Maybe more difficult. And now he can't even do what he's been working most of his life towards because he has to stay the course and stand up for his union.

I'm coming to see that it's a real accomplishment to get your film made. There are so many pitfalls. I'm personally going to be hurting for quite some time financially after this. I've probably fucked my credit. I'm sure the IRS will be knocking on my door anyday now.

And just think, in order to "make it" we have to do this again and again. Most people can make one film. Not a lot of people can do another. And we have to do it. We have to.

I was thinking about my favorite play, "The Seagull" by Anton Chekhov. It's about the business of making art. There's a monologue at the end that's particularly touching, and might be the answer Christine's looking for. So here it is:

"Now I know, Kostya, I understand, finally, that in our business -- acting, writing, it makes no difference -- the main thing isn't being famous, it's not the sound of applause, it's not what I dreamed it was. All it is is the strength to keep going, no matter what happens. You have to keep on believing. I believe, and it helps. And now when I think about my vocation, I'm not afraid of life."

Yes, I guess it's always going to hurt.